Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
