is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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