Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
