I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
