Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
