There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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