My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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