let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
