these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
