Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
