I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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