Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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