when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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