your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
