I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
