how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
