I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
