we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
