how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
