She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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