It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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