If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
