woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
