dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
