Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I touched a dick in church today
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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