u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
