She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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