how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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