I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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