you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have feelings that need drinking.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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