dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize