Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
