so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
