You work out of a Hotel?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
