Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize