i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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