just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
