Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
