Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
