Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
