yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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