The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
