im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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