I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
