Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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