I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
