i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
