My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
