I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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