Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
