my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
