Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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