i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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