I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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