There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's shark week go big or go home
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
