hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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