Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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