things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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