What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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