Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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