Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
