I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
