I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
