I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
