I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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