you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
