Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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