Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
